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vampirelover16
vampirelover16
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 That title, "march on" is a song by Good Charlotte.  It's really motivating. 
Anyway..
I haven't written in here in a while, it seems. 
I've gone to school, played in soccer games, participated in class, talked to friends, gone to the mall. 
And I discovered something: In dance and in soccer, I don't really belong. I'm not like the other people..in soccer I'm one of the oldest people on the team, and yet I feel like the youngest. People tell me, "Good job!" when it should be me telling them. You know?
And in dance..I'm just not mature enough for dance. I can't do a lot of the stuff, or...I can actually do most of it, but some of it is really tricky. And so my brain tells me that I can't do it at all, and I just stop. I don't understand it...
And also today I was stressed over my history test (because i don't know the material very well, and I still don't) and then my mom almost killed a chipmunk. And you know what I did? Screamed out. Felt like crying. 
For me it takes one thing that might be something to fret over and one other thing that's really small and doesn't matter--and I'm suddenly really upset. 
That doesn't make any sense. 
I also thought of something when I was playing soccer on Saturday: I hate this sport; why am I playing?
I like it off the field, but I really don't know if I like it on the field. 
But maybe I do..I just don't know anymore. 
I don't want to say anything else. 
I don't know why I even started this thing. 
It doesn't mean anything...I've got my own journal in my room; why write here where people can see it? 
I don't see a point anymore.

Tags:
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: Good Charlotte

So I cannot apparently post it here, but I can tell you about it...
It's my playlist, from projectplaylist.com. 
Usually they all work, and I tried to put it in my profile, but it doesn't play unless you "launch the standalone player", which is me advising you to do so.
If you want to see my project playlist account, then go here: http://www.pplaylist.com/user/3455388
3455388...I've gotta remember that. 
Anyway, on this playlist I've got some rock (just a little bit) maybe some rap..or hip-hop, most likely. And a bunch of other cool stuff too. Like Enrique Iglesias and Juanes and all those other people whom my spanish teacher exposes me to. (She plays Spanish songs during class. Go figure.)
There's a story behind "Dimelo" by Enrique Iglesias, and it's that my teacher played it and gave us the lyrics. If you listen to the song, the chorus is really catchy and fun, so naturally my whole class starts singing along. The dedicated few go home and download it..which is what I did, except that i don't illegally download music; I search for songs on projectplaylist.com. 
And so I'll always remember Mrs. Santana. 

So I really have not posted on here in a while, and I apologize...I just haven't had the time.
Actually, that's a lie; I usually forget.
I think I'm doing better, and my cold's clearing up...oh! I decided what I want to be for Halloween. A VAMPIRE. That's "vampiro" in Spanish.."vampira" if you want to get technical. 
Also on Halloween night I'm going to spend time with my favourite ex-Youth Outreach Coordinator, who simply goes by "Holly". We're going to make a show about Halloween..and it'll probably be on TV that weekend, or the next weekend, as it is called Saturday Studio Playhouse. And then, after that, Holly says she can take us trick-or-treating!
That's one thing that never gets old.
Oh! And another thing...I'm growing my nails out really long so they can be claws..and I'm painting them red. (With nailpolish, not paint.) My friend told me I have to put green tea on them, and maybe one of the people who reads this can tell me whether that's true or not..
In RED SOX NEWS, the magic number is down to 5, we're definitely going to the play-offs.
If you were wondering, it's very exciting.

Current Location: Everywhere at once..
Current Music: My playlist.

Okay, this title is from a song called "East Northumberland High" by Miley Cyrus.
It's pretty cool...
So!
Today I went to Canobie Lake Park after church..it was a bunch of fun.
We went on a lot of rides, too..but my favourites were the Yankee Cannonball and the Frisbee.
Both extremely fun..
Tomorrow I've gotta go back to school, but I'd much rather stay at home.
I think I really liked today. There's something about amusement parks and happiness, I think.
I rejoined a Harry Potter RPG website..hogwartsrp09.proboards53.com/index.cgi !
It was the first one I ever joined! Now I've just got to make my character stronger..
Anyway!
I really did have fun today.
And on Tuesday, guess what! I have two tests and a quiz. Yay!
It really is fun when you're positive..hmm..

Current Location: East Northumberland High
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Miley Cyrus

My title today is from a Honda commercial..but never mind that.
I haven't posted on here in a while, actually, and it's making me sad. I was so good at making an entry every day, but this week I just couldn't get around to it for some reason.
These past few days I've been feeling on and off..which is not a cool feeling.
It's like, one minute you're smiling, the next you're screaming about how much you don't have and how much your life completely sucks.
And my life is great!
I have a great family, friends, people who care about me..but sometimes I feel I have no one to go to.
Which is weird, because any of my friends would listen if I started to talk.
But it's weird again, because I never know what to say. And then..I don't know. I just really don't understand myself.
I wrote all about it in this other journal I keep..but that's private. And when I say private, I mean private.
But!
This week has been nothing but hectic for me. On Monday I had my vocal auditions for the musical..which was great and all, but I didn't get a callback. Not that I really wanted one, but for some strange reason...sometimes I just wish I was good at something.
You know, better than everyone else. But I'm not..except maybe not knowing things or being nice. But then I don't talk to most of the people in my school..so maybe I come across as mean. And I don't really care...I know who I am and it doesn't matter what they think.
But wait. Do I really know who I am?
No. I'm just..me. And right now, I really don't know who that is.
Katie Hill..the words don't really mean anything.
I guess it's because I don't really like myself...for many reasons.
Sometimes I feel smaller than an ant, but the way my body is built I just can't be that way. I'm not little. I'm fine with who I am, I guess, it's just..I dunno. Sometimes I feel like I'm listening to the world and what it thinks than who I am and what I think.
And when I get upset over something, even if it's really small, it upsets me. So much. And if someone else mentions one more tiny, insignificant little thing or maybe it's something big..but whatever it is, I shouldn't be getting upset about it, and yet I can't stop crying.
I wish I could control my emotions better..but perhaps it'll come with time.
Like 1soxchic20 said to me today...I've gotta look at the positives. So, what are they?

Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: The voices inside my head..

So yesterday I said I'd give a prize to the person who guessed correctly what song the title was from..but nobody even guessed.
How very disappointed I am in you all..just kidding.
The answer was..I think, "Welcome To The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. 
So you'll have to guess what song this title's from...I still have a prize that I haven't been able to give to anyone. ;-)
 Today there was school. 
It went by pretty fast...and I didn't have strings!! I really like Strings classes...but it's period five, and today was double six, so..
I've actually already completed all the homework I have for today..unless www.classzone.com/eservices decides to work.
If it does, I can do more homework..
So I think I really liked today..afterall, I do feel pretty good. 
At lunch today we almost didn't have seats, but then we sat down and everything was cool. That reminds me, I owe one of my friends a quarter..we do this thing where if we've got different answers to a question in math class we make a bet..and, you guessed it--I was wrong. Why don't I bet pennies, and not quarters?
Anyway..in about 3 hours I'll be at my school for my audition for the musical, Footloose. 
I'm going to sing happy birthday to..Roger Marks! I think that's his name. No, it's Roger Maris. 
Anyway, he was born today in 1934, and he was a professional baseball player and held the record for most hits in a season from 1961 to 1998...if you caught my hint with the past tense, he's dead. Has been since December 14, '85. 
That means he was...51! That's pretty old..I wonder what he died from.
Hold on! I'll look..
He died from a 2-year battle with cancer. 
And he was apparently the home-run twin to Mickey Mantle..I wonder what team he played on. Oh! He was a Yankee..I guess that isn't half bad.
Well!
I'll be going, now..

Current Location: Footloose Auditions
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Making a Memory by Plain White T's

Today I haven't done much..it was yesterday that was fun.
We went to Harvard Square, and stuff..it was wicked fun.
Today I went to church, though! And that was cool..small group kickoff is this Wednesday, and I'm gonna join a small group! YES! Maybe this year I'll make it to some of them!!!
So tomorrow's back to school for me, and I'm glad I finished my homework.
Oh! I'll give somebody a prize if they figure out what song the title's from...*winkwinknudgenudge*
I filled in the survey on 1soxchic20's livejournal, and I pretended I was a clown. It was fun! I found out my clown name..it's "Kinky Kinko", which is really weird.
If you want a clown name, go here: http://www.zentastic.com/entries/200702132055.html
So Billy Martin's clown name is 'Billy "Beeping Bimbo" Martin, the Chuckle Jack', and Ian Stewart's clown name is 'an "Irate Izzy" Stewart, the Insult DJ', which makes me laugh out loud.
And tomorrow's my audition..but I'm not nervous. Or at least right now I'm not.
It might change..but I don't think it will.
I'm probably going to go downstairs and play some guitar hero, or something..maybe go on zwinky, where my names are "sunshineyellow" and "vampiregal27".

Current Location: La-la land..
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: My Chemical Romance

 So I decided that I was wallowing in self-pity yesterday and this morning..I was upset because I thought I'd run out of time and I'm miss my bus..but then I didn't.
But I was still upset afterward, which doesn't make any sense.
Why was I so upset over something that didn't happen?
It was the stress, I'm telling you. 
I hate stress..so I almost didn't sign up to audition for the musical. Because I found out how I act under stress...I panic. Yell, scream, cry--you name it, and I'll probably do it. 
In the morning when I got to school I knew I had to sign up for the musical, or else it'd ruin my day. But I didn't sign up then! I told myself I couldn't do it and simply walked away, feeling much less happy than normal.
So my next chance was during the double period, but that was too far away! It left half of my day for me to feel horrible. 
Which is exactly what happened..I wound up thinking I wasn't any good, and sometimes I still believe that. The only person telling myself I can't do it is myself. 
And I really don't know what to do..maybe being in the musical would help; I signed up for 7:03 on monday. 
I'm going to sing happy birthday, but I'll share another song with you, that's not as lame:

BLUE CARAVAN BY VIENNA TENG
blue, blue caravan
winding down to the valley of lights
my true love is a man
who would hold me for ten thousand nights

in the wild, wild wailing of wind
he's a house 'neath a soft yellow moon
so blue, blue caravan
won't you carry me down to him soon

blue, blue caravan
won't you drive away all of these tears
for my true love is a man
that i haven't seen in years

he said,
"go where you have to,
for i belong to you until my dying day"
so like a fool, blue caravan, i believed him
and i walked away

oh, my blue, blue caravan
the highway is my great wall
for my true love is a man
who never existed at all

oh, he was a beautiful fiction
i invented to keep out the cold
but now, my blue, blue caravan
i can feel my heart growing old


It's kind of depressing that she made up her own guy..but I'm doing that, too. 
I like the song, and you should all download it. 
That's my bit of the day..
Oh! Another point before I go..I felt a lot better after I signed up to audition, and now I'm nervous and excited for next week. I'm really glad the weekend's here, though. I need it. So badly...
But the fact of the matter is I'm back to where I started...the sadness is slowly creeping back in..and I don't like it.

Current Mood: pessimisticsmushed
Current Music: Vienna Teng

No song for today's title, even though there's a song in my head. 
Today I absolutely hated, and I'm going to tell you why. 
Let's see...oh! It wasn't until after I got home that I started hating it..
So my day went by really fast...it was third period already and it felt like five minutes earlier I'd walked into school. 
Then after school there was Drama Club..and it was really cool. I'm probably going to try out for the musical..not because people think I should, but because I want to. 
And then afterwards, I went to WCTV..which was supposed to be a normal experience. 
But I walk in and I've got no idea what's going on..they're all crowding the hallway. And by "they" I mean the people who go there with me. Friends of mine, you know. 
And so we talk...and talk....and laugh sometimes, too. It's fun, all in all, but I didn't really mean to stay for that long. It was already past three o'clock by the time I got there, and it wasn't until four o'clock that i called my mom and asked if she was picking me up. She was half asleep, and asked if I could get a ride from my friend..and my friend said her mom could drive us both home. 
So I'm thinking it's gonna be great, we'll leave soon...but then an hour passes, and I'm starting to freak out. I completely did not want to spend all that time there, but the time had already passed and there was nothing I could do. 
So my friend wasn't leaving because this other girl wasn't leaving, and my friend doesn't trust this girl any farther than she can throw her...actually she completely hates her. So my friend doesn't want to leave this girl alone with this guy, because the girl's no good and she could tempt this guy into doing some pretty bad things. 
One thing lead to another...and it was five o'clock, and I realized I needed to be home. 
Her mom gets there about ten minutes later, and still my friend doesn't leave. We leave eventually...but I'm emotionally stressed. I feel like: where did my day go? And I want it back.
I want to yell, I want to scream, I want to kill myself.
But that's not right, so I won't. 
I can't throw anything because someone will come running.
I can't call someone because I don't know how to explain it.
I just feel..horrible. 
I can't concentrate on my homework, I can barely think in the present. 
I just want to cry, I guess, but then if somebody found me they'd make me explain, and I can't. 
Have you ever felt that way? Like you can't explain why?
Yeah, well...you could say it's been accumulating the last couple of days. 
You know...people don't notice me. And I realize that's being really selfish, that i should be paying more attention to these other people..but if they're not noticing me, and I notice them, what does that do for anyone?
I guess I feel left out..but no one's left me out of anything. 
I feel like I'm just another face in the crowd..and I really don't want to be. But I don't know how to change it..at all. 
I'm helpless, stuck somewhere I don't want to be. 
So what do I do?
Nothing, because my head's telling me I can't do anything. 
Go figure. 
 

Current Location: Looking out the window..
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: The many words flowing inside of my head..

The title today is from "One in a Million" by Hannah Montana.
I downloaded her CDs onto my ipod..maybe Sunday night, and it's all I've been listening to.
This song's really good..here are the lyrics.
And I happen to really like it..especially the chorus.

ONE IN A MILLION
Written by Toby& Negin

VERSE 1
How did I get here? I turned around and there you were
Didn't think twice or rationalize – cuz somehow I knew
That there was - more than just chemistry
I mean I knew you were kind of into me
but I figured it's too good to be true

B SECTION
I said pinch me, where's the catch this time
Can't find a single cloud in the sky
Help me before I get used to this guy

CHORUS
They say that good things take time
But really great things happen in a blink of an eye
Thought the chances to meet somebody like you
were a million to one –
Can’t believe it - you're one in a million
All this time I was looking for love
Trying to make things work that weren't good enough
Till I thought I'm through, said I'm done
and stumbled into the arms of the one

VERSE 2
You're making me laugh about the silliest stuff
Say that I'm your diamond in the rough
When I'm mad at you - you come with your velvet touch
Can't believe that I'm so lucky –
I have never felt so happy
Every time I see that sparkle in your eyes

CHORUS
They say that good things take time
But really great things happen in a blink of an eye
Thought the chances to meet somebody like you
were a million to one –
Can’t believe it - you're one in a million
All this time I was looking for love
Trying to make things work that weren't good enough
Till I thought I'm through, said I'm done
and stumbled into the arms of the one

TURNAROUND
Can't believe that I'm so lucky –
I have never felt so happy
Every time I see that sparkle in your eyes

CHORUS
They say that good things take time
But really great things happen in a blink of an eye
Thought the chances to meet somebody like you
were a million to one –
Can’t believe it - you're one in a million
All this time I was looking for love
Trying to make things work that weren't good enough
Till I thought I'm through, said I'm done
and stumbled into the arms of the one

Okay, so..in English I'm reading A Lesson Before Dying, and it's hard to get into.
In English class today, we had a Socratic Seminar talking about A Yellow Raft in Blue Water by Michael Dorris. I didn't really mind it, but most of the people in my class did. There was this one point..that Michael Dorris hadn't captured the female psyche, and I'm not sure I agree. I liked this book..but of course I didn't say anything during the Seminar..you had to raise your hand and the teacher didn't see me.
I didn't mind it once it was over, but during...I really didn't like it. I was thinking in my head of what I wanted to say, but I never said it because she didn't call on me. I wanted to respond, but...oh well.
I made my poster for that class...it's kind of cool.
The musical this year is Footloose..I dunno if I've mentioned it yet. I want to try out, but I don't know how. And in the movie they don't sing any songs, so the musical is bound to be loads different. For the vocal auditions you have to have a pianist and music..scary.
I don't think I can do it..or maybe I'm just afraid.
See, I don't know any pianists..and even if i did know one, they wouldn't agree to help me.
So I guess in school today I felt...small. If you look at me, you'll see I'm not small, but it was how I felt. At home, though, I feel completely different.
That's just the wonders of who I am, I guess.

Current Location: Canada
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: Hannah Montana

Today in computer class I narrowed my topics down to three for my history paper.
The Salem Witch Trials.
Apollo 11 (I actually thought it was "Apollo 2", because, you know--the Roman numeral..I thought it was roman numerals, when it was actually numbers...man, do I feel like an idiot.)
And finally: the Cold War.
Honestly, I'd be happy with any one of them..my history teacher has to pick, and I'm guessing she won't pick the Witch Trials, because everybody's gonna want to do that one.
But I'm actually interested! I want to find out what happened..even if I don't get to write a paper on it.
But, anyway..my day was pretty good.
I figured out what quote I'm going to use for English class..see, it was hidden in a book I read. At the end of each chapter, there was a little bit of a comic book that the father of the family the story was focused on was writing for Marvel. It was about this guy who when he feels angry transforms into some form of beast..but anyway, the devil kidnaps his daughter and he has to go into hell to bring her back. He travels into the tenth circle, and that's the name of the book...
Oh!
I forgot I'd tell you how it ended...Trixie ran, but she wasn't guilty. She just wanted to disappear..her father told her that Alaska was a place where people could disappear, and they both knew that's where she was going.
She had quite an adventure there..but she didn't really belong there.
And the police found her as well as her family...and all three of them are arrested. Daniel, the father, isn't guilty, but the reader (a.k.a. me) is suddenly wondering: Which one of them killed Jason?
And Daniel is set free..because he didn't do it, and the cops know it.
But they also think that Trixie is responsible, as they found one of her hairs in Jason's watch. It was only there because they'd met earlier by chance, and he'd grabbed her arm and her hair was pretty long..note, key word: was. She cut it much shorter.
But there's a surprise twist, and I dunno if I want to reveal it...I'm not going to, because some people take the time to read my journal.
Others don't, but I don't want to ruin it for anybody...although I think I just did.
Then I might as well go on...beware, if you don't want to know what happens, don't read the next bit....I'm putting it in black....
It was Trixie's mom. She followed Jason, and..hold on..just kidding, she didn't follow him. She'd heard Trixie was missing and went to go back to her car when she noticed someone on the bridge. She thought it was Trixie, but it was Jason..He was drunk, of course, and said some choice things about Trixie..that she was ruining his life..the normal stuff. And, guess what?
She pushed him.
Laura didn't mean for Jason to fall, but he did. But he was still holding on to the railing when she went to look, holding out with one hand for her to grab and pull him up and holding on to the bridge with the other hand, yelling for her to help. She reached her hand down, to help him up..but she let him fall.
I know, a twist of events...I'm still in shock.

So that was one book I'll never forget...
Oh!
Here's the quote, just so you don't have to go looking for it:
"Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true."
--Demosthenes
And I have to say..although the day's almost over, and I didn't do much that didn't revolve around school, I'm really feeling good about it.

Current Location: New Jersey
Current Mood: shockedshocked
Current Music: Make Some Noise by Hannah Montana
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